Redefining Success
Celebrating Small Wins & Breaking Free from Comparison
Parenting is filled with expectations—some set by society, some by professionals, and many we place on ourselves. We’re told what children should be doing at a certain age, how they should behave, and the best ways to guide them. But what happens when those traditional measures don’t fit your child?
For a long time, I felt lost in this. My son’s development didn’t follow a predictable path, and traditional parenting models—rewarding good behaviour and correcting the bad—simply didn’t work for him. I had to learn an entirely new way to parent, one that focused on small wins, breaking free from comparison, and understanding how my child actually learns best.
The Danger of Comparison: What is ‘Normal’ Anyway?
One of the most harmful statements I’ve come across as a parent is: “A child at their age should…” It’s everywhere—on developmental charts, in school reports, in casual conversations. But children are unique. Their journeys don’t fit neatly into checklists or standardised milestones.
The truth is, focusing on what children 'should' be doing creates pressure, frustration, and unnecessary worry. It distracts from what truly matters—providing them with an environment where they feel safe to explore, grow, and reach their potential in their own time.
Safety, by the way, doesn’t mean eliminating risk altogether. That’s not just impossible—it’s unhelpful. My job isn’t to remove risk but to help create a space where my children can take positive risks, learn, and grow with support.
The Power of Small Wins: Creating Stepping Stones to Success
When traditional milestones don’t fit, we need a different way to measure progress. Instead of waiting for big, transformative moments, we need to engineer early wins—small steps that help build confidence and motivation.
Break big goals into tiny, achievable steps – Take a goal like “Get better at regulate emotions,” and focus on the first step like “try to take one deep breath before reacting.”
Set them up for success – Find opportunities where they can shine. Success breeds confidence, and confidence builds resilience.
Celebrate what good looks like for your child – A good day for your family might not look like a good day for someone else’s. And that’s okay.
For my son, progress happens in small, structured, bite-sized pieces. We also take almost as many steps back and we do forwards. When I stopped waiting for big breakthroughs and started noticing the small steps, everything changed—for both of us.
Rethinking Behaviour: When Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work
Most parenting advice is built on a simple concept: reward the behaviours you want and correct the ones you don’t. This can look different across cultures, but the foundation is the same—if you get the balance right, your child will learn.
That didn’t work for my son.
It’s not that praise didn’t matter—he loves to be praised. But the effects were fleeting. It didn’t influence whether he would repeat the behaviour. And consequences? They only pushed him into shame, leading to anxiety and frustration rather than learning.
For a long time, I felt like a failure. I tried tweaking my approach—maybe I was being too strict? Maybe I was being too soft? Maybe I just wasn’t doing it right? But the truth was, it wasn’t about how I delivered the message. It was that this model didn’t work for my child.
Finding a New Approach: Therapeutic Parenting & PACE
What finally helped me turn a corner was therapeutic parenting—specifically, using PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy) to guide my son through learning and behaviour.
Playfulness – Using humour and lightness to reduce tension and make learning feel safe.
Acceptance – Meeting him where he is, rather than where I or society expect him to be.
Curiosity – Asking why without judgment: “I wonder what made you feel like that?”
Empathy – Seeing the world from his perspective first, before jumping to solutions.
Most importantly, I learned that timing matters. My son can only learn when he is regulated, focused, and ready. Long explanations don’t work—we’re still guilty of making them too long! But every day is a chance to adjust, to refine, and to meet him where he is.
Final Thoughts: Every Day is a School Day
I’m not a perfect parent… far from it. My patience isn’t endless, I still read situations wrong, and I can shout when I am frustrated or overwhelmed. I still worry about judgment, I still get things wrong, and I still sometimes fall into the trap of comparison. But I’ve also learned that progress isn’t about meeting external expectations—it’s about moving forward in a way that works for your child.
So, if you’re on this journey too, here’s what I want you to remember:
Small wins matter. They build confidence, and confidence builds momentum.
Your child’s path is their own. Standardised milestones don’t define their worth—or yours.
You’re not failing if traditional parenting models don’t work. You just need a different approach.
Every day is an opportunity to learn. For both them and for us.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your experiences. How have you redefined success in your parenting journey? Let’s support each other as we celebrate the small steps that lead to something bigger.
