The Magic of Repair:
Rebuilding Connection After Parenting Missteps
Parenting is a journey filled with love, challenges, and, inevitably, moments where we falter. Especially for parents of neurodivergent children or those with additional needs, the daily demands can be overwhelming. In these moments, we might react in ways that don't align with our intentions. But there's hope and healing in the concept of repair. In this blog I am going to share some of the theory around repair and then also talk about how we use this in our house.
Understanding Repair in Parenting
Repair refers to the process of reconnecting with your child after a conflict or rupture in the relationship. It's about acknowledging mistakes, taking responsibility, and restoring trust. This concept is rooted in attachment theory, which emphasises the importance of secure and responsive relationships between caregivers and children.
Research underscores the significance of repair in fostering healthy parent-child relationships. A study highlighted that effective repair after conflicts is linked to better emotional regulation and behaviour in children. Moreover, consistent repair efforts can strengthen the parent-child bond over time, promoting resilience and emotional security.
The Importance of Repair
Modeling Healthy Relationships: Children learn by example. When parents acknowledge their mistakes and make amends, it teaches children that it's okay to err and, more importantly, how to make things right.
Building Trust: Consistent repair efforts reassure children that their relationship with their parent is secure, even after conflicts. This trust is a foundation stone for their emotional development.
Enhancing Emotional Intelligence: Engaging in repair helps children recognise and articulate their feelings, fostering emotional awareness and empathy.
Do's and Don'ts of Effective Repair
Do's:
Take Responsibility: Clearly acknowledge your actions without deflecting blame.
Be Sincere: Offer genuine apologies that reflect your understanding of the impact of your actions.
Listen Actively: Give your child space to express their feelings and validate their emotions.
Reconnect Physically: Physical gestures like hugs can reinforce emotional reconnection, especially when words fall short.
Don'ts:
Avoid "But" Statements: Phrases like "I'm sorry, but..." can invalidate the apology and shift blame.
Don't Rush the Process: Allow your child the time they need to process and respond.
Avoid Over-Explaining: Focus on the child's feelings rather than justifying your actions.
Personal Reflections on Repair: Learning the Hard but Hopeful Way
Practicing repair didn't come easily to me. I grew up with the idea that saying "sorry" was enough to make things right. And for a long time, I thought I was doing just that - apologising, owning up. But what I didn’t realise was how often I followed that “sorry” with a “but.” “I’m really sorry I shouted, BUT you weren’t listening… BUT you were being rude… BUT I asked you five times already.”
That little word" “but” undermined everything. It shifted the responsibility off me and placed it, unfairly, on my children. It was subtle, almost unconscious, but it eroded trust. My apologies became less about connection and more about justification. I wasn’t really owning my reactions. I was excusing them.
The Reality of Parenting When Overwhelmed
Most mornings in my home that feel like emotional triathlons. Today as usual, my son refused to put on clothes. It took over an hour….an hour filled with verbal stimming, explosive language, and sensory overload. Eventually, he got dressed, the clothes weren’t clean but good enough to enable us to move on to the next battle…. brushing his teeth. Then he tried to move the TV into another room (a past disaster waiting to happen again), and then fiddled with the dementia alarms on the kitchen door (tools we rely on for safety). Finally, I asked for help vacuuming the kitchen. He resisted. I snapped.
I felt it happen. That internal breaking point where the pressure becomes too much and the adult in the room becomes the storm. I yanked the vacuum cleaner away and did it myself. Not my finest moment.
I immediately started to feel bad.
The Turn Toward Repair
I noticed my son sitting quietly at the table. I felt that twist in my stomach—the regret, the shame, the self-awareness of how my overwhelm had spilled onto him. I walked over, lowered myself to his level, and said, “I’m sorry. I was overwhelmed, and I shouldn’t have snapped. I needed a pause, and I didn’t take one.”
He looked at me. He said he felt sad and frustrated. I smiled and said, “Well, we’re quite the pair then, aren’t we?” He smiled back.
That moment of mutual recognition, that humanity, was the repair. It wasn’t just me saying sorry. It was me showing him that I take responsibility for my reactions. And more than that, it created a space for him to do the same. Without being prompted, he said, “I’m sorry too. I knew I was doing stuff I shouldn’t have, and I got frustrated with myself.”
It floored me. Not just the words, but the self-awareness he showed. I saw the impact of what real repair could look like. Not just a bandage over a wound, but something healing from the inside.
I told him, “I appreciate you saying that. I want you to know, even if you do something wrong, I’m still responsible for how I respond. That’s on me.”
Repair Isn’t Always Immediate - Sometimes, Regulation Must Come First
One of the most helpful and humbling things I’ve learned on this parenting journey is that repair isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. Experts often say it should happen soon after a rupture and yes, that’s true in principle. But in practice, the timing of repair isn’t always immediate. Especially not when your child is still emotionally overwhelmed. With my daughter, I’ve had to learn to wait. To lead with regulation first.
She experiences emotions in long, sustained waves. Unlike my son, who can sometimes swing from frustration to laughter in moments, my daughter holds onto things. She simmers. She needs more time, more space and crucially, fewer words.
This weekend was a perfect example. My husband asked her to put her shoes away. She insisted she already had (she hadn’t). Then she said she’d do it later. When he asked again, she exploded — loud, intense, defensive. He raised his voice in response. I stepped in, speaking calmly, but she met every soft word with more shouting. Eventually she put her shoes away and stormed off. At that point, trying to “talk it out” would’ve only escalated things. I could see it: she wasn’t ready. She was dysregulated, flooded with emotion. Words would’ve felt like pressure, or worse, confrontation.
So instead, I tried something different.
I didn’t offer logic. I didn’t offer explanation. I gave her a moments pause and then offered a hug.
She resisted at first. Her body stiff, her arms limp. I didn’t push. I simply held her. Quietly. Steadily. For over three minutes, I stood with her in silence. No demands. No expectations. Just a steady reminder through touch that she was safe. That I was here. That she was loved, even in this big feeling.
And something changed.
Bit by bit, her body softened. Her arms slowly wrapped around me. She began to cry , soft, quiet tears. It wasn’t a breakdown, but a letting go. I whispered, “That was a lot. You must be feeling so many things.” She nodded. No words. Just presence.
I didn’t let go until she did.
That was the repair. Not the conversation that followed, though that came too. The real repair was in the co-regulation. In giving her the space to calm, to settle, to feel held. Only after that could we connect with words. Later, she and my husband both apologised. We talked about what happened. But it wouldn’t have worked without the hug. Without first addressing the state she was in, not just the behaviour she showed.
It reminded me of something so important: repair isn’t about ticking a box after a misstep; it’s about rebuilding trust in a way the other person can receive. With some kids, that’s words. With others, it’s warmth. And for mine, it’s often a hug, on her terms, in her time.
And just to be clear, I am not the hero of this piece. Yes, I was able to find calm and step in this time, but there are many moments when it’s my husband doing exactly that while I’m the one spiraling. We’re learning to tag-team this dance of parenting, stepping in for each other when the other one falters. It’s a true partnership.
Repair Is the Real Progress
When parenting a child with additional needs, progress can feel invisible. Mornings repeat like déjà vu. The same battles, the same standoffs. It can feel like nothing is changing.
But repair is progress. It’s invisible on the surface, but deeply transformational.
I’ve started reframing success in our family. It’s not about smooth mornings or getting everything done “right.” It’s about moments of connection and reconnection. It’s about building the emotional scaffolding our kids will carry into adulthood.
And what’s truly powerful? They’re starting to model it back. When I repair without blame, they respond in kind. Sometimes, after I apologise, they’ll say, “It wasn’t your fault, Mum. I was…” and they name their emotions. They reflect. They own it. But I always remind them, this isn’t about fault. It’s about responsibility.
And that’s what repair teaches best.
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